Introducing... My Imposter Syndrome

Impostor (or Imposter) Syndrome: a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one's abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one's ongoing success

Lately I've been more open about my struggle with imposter syndrome (IS). I remember the first time I admitted to having it to one of my closest friends (who is also an artist), and she replied "How can you have imposter syndrome? You're an established artist, known in the area and you are working on so many projects!" You can see Merriam-Webster's definition of IS above - it is, first and foremost, insecurity.

I imagine it manifests in unique ways from person to person, as many psychological conditions do. For me, it's not necessarily an insecurity of my own abilities; I don't take on projects I know I couldn't do (hello, photo realistic portraits!) But most often it rears its ugly head when I am in the middle of a large project, making me doubt the work I am doing.

How many bored capybaras can you find?

For example, my large drawing "Tree of Life" was a commission by the Putnam Museum and Science Center for a children's book installation called Tails from Tales. The idea for my drawing came to me quickly, I got my first choice of book, and I started drawing on a huge piece of paper. Things were falling into place perfectly. I spent hours on this drawing: sketching in pencil, going back over it in ink, filling in the details and textures...

And when I was about midway through it I started thinking, "What if this isn't what they want?" "What if this isn't what they are expecting, and they hate it?" "They are paying me hundreds of dollars for this! Is it really worth that much?" "What if they want it in color, but mine is just black and white?" I reread the call to artists, the application, and all the corresponding emails a dozen times or more, trying to reassure myself that what I was working on, that I'd already put hours of time and effort into, still fit within the descriptions. 

I remember telling Jon one night that if I spent extra time on it that weekend, I could finish it and turn it in a whole month ahead of the deadline, and that way if they hated it I had a month to do a new one.

 Let me pause here to share a few truths I have learned in life:
One, nobody owes you closure - ever - you have to be okay with yourself regardless.
Two, I try way too hard in my first relationship following a divorce. 
Three, as a parent you will always have a measure of guilt - either from not giving the kids enough attention, or not giving enough attention to other things (lookin' at you, pile of laundry.)
And four, my IS is a dirty liar.  #unsolicitedlifelessons

Recently I was talking to someone about having IS. He asked what IS means. I explained, "It's something that often happens to extremely successful people -" and he cut me off to say, "Well why do you have it then?" To be fair, I believe he meant it as a sarcastic joke. It still hurt to hear. No matter the logic I have, my long list of successes that I can recite, that careless comment was the exact fuel that my IS loves. Guys, I'll be honest with you, I cried later on over the comment. IS is no joke. It can be crippling. It can even fuel anxiety or trigger panic attacks.

Sometimes my IS shows up in lesser forms, like my shyness when I talk about my books to coworkers. Or every single time I say, "I won't claim to be a poet" despite having published a haiku book and a rhyming book (with another rhyming book written and waiting to be illustrated.) I try not to be a pushy salesperson when it comes to my art, and part of that is my IS whispering that "illustration isn't real art!"

Ok, Haley, so what's the secret to defeating it when IS comes knocking (or whispering quietly, like mine)?

... I'm sorry, but I don't have a secret weapon. I'm still struggling with it myself. My knee-jerk reaction is to defend myself with logic, reminding myself of my accomplishments. But insecurity isn't logical, so that doesn't always work for me. I have learned, however, to just keep going. Work through it. Ignore those whispers and stick to the plan! My IS is a liar. I am an artist and an author. I have been working to grow my skills and business for over ten years, and I both earned and deserve the recognition and awards I have.

Do you, or someone you know, struggle with IS? It sucks, but you aren't alone. Here's a Moms Who Create podcast episode on 7 Ways to Combat Imposter Syndrome. Kelli gives some great tips that might help you in your fight. This is a great article from McLean Hospital on the topic of IS, with more information on overcoming it. If you need a dose of encouragement, please reach out to someone! If you don't have someone in your life who serves as your own personal cheerleader, here's an artist pep talk available 24/7. There are many other resources easily found online as well.

Try not to worry, because you're not alone. We are in the same boat together. And despite what IS tells us, we've got this! 🚣‍♀️